River Snails

Here is a tip:

Don’t eat the river snails from the food stalls on the sidewalk in Shanghai. Apparently river snails in China tend to make people crazy in the brain due to some kind of worm or virus.

Another tip:

When you make a beer run from the sidewalk food place at night, take the corporate controller with you. Otherwise, when you come back, you might find that he is chowing down on river snails with his new friends who he can’t understand.

Finally:

If you do make the mistake of leaving your corporate controller unattended and in fact you do find out that he has been dining on nasty river snails, DO NOT freak out and start telling him that he needs to stop eating those things immediately. That will only add to his stress for the next 6 weeks while he waits for the symptoms of river snail insanity to appear.

Sweet.

Stick to the more desirable items like fish heads. Or whatever that stuff is in the middle.

Blowout Chinese Fights

Dear Friends-

As I mentioned earlier, I came back. But I now I went back.

I thought I would have to do something crazy to see something crazy enough to write about. But China never disappoints.

I just arrived in Shanghai. The flight starts with a 10 hour flight to Tokyo where your meditation skills are tested by the crying baby that inevitably sits in your section.

Arriving in Tokyo is actually not too bad because the Japanese are so polite and the place is eerily clean and quiet.

Boarding the flight to China is when it all goes downhill though. It is always a festival of pushing, shoving, little old ladies trying to lift giant bags, Shanghai girls with way too many bags of Japanese products banned by the commies and dudes coughing on you. I am over that though. That's just how it is from time to time. I do get a kick out of trying to predict who will stand up and try to open the overhead compartment when the airplane is taxiing (it happens 75% of the time).

Tonight we were treated to a blow out Chinese fight on the airplane though. That is a first for me. I would see blow out arguments on the street all the time and definitely on the train (you are in my seat, no I am not). But never on an international flight.

I couldn't quite figure out what was going on but all I knew was the lady two seats in front wanted to stay and all ten of the flight attendants and the ground crew wanted her to leave. She was screaming at them and had herself buckled in for dear life. I do know that sending the Japanese to try to remove a Chinese migrant worker (just a guess based on her bags made out of canvas) is a good way to escalate any situation.

It is kind of hard to describe a Chinese blow out fight but you just have to imagine lots of yelling and red faces. I don't know why they do it but I heard it had something to do with saving face once you take a stand.

The best part is that after the Chinese lady had decided to make her seat her own little Alamo for a while, the other Chinese passengers started to yell at her, the flight attendants and each other. At about the time the flight was supposed to depart, at least 20 people were standing up in my section and half of them were yelling. At that point, I think the airline just decided to let the lady ride before everything blew up even more.

I think that in America, this would be extremely alarming (as in, we don't need no terrorists or crazies on the airplane). In China (or flights bound for China), it is normal.

China does not disappoint.

I am sure I will have more later.

Dear Friends-

I came back.

In China, they like to state the obvious so they will just come out and say “I came back” or “You came back” even though you are both well aware of what just happened. The only thing is that in China everything has some hidden meaning that I can never figure out. So when they tell you “I came back” they are probably telling you that they have just lost all of their money and their father is in jail but you would never know. That’s probably why everybody is always smiling at me. They know I have no idea what is going on because I am missing 4,000 years of cultural training. Smiling sure is better than giving people the bird in heavy traffic though.

Anyway, I came back. No hidden meaning. Just stating the obvious.

Some people told they were “learning” stuff by reading my internet website. I recommend that you don’t brag about your new brainpower if you think you are getting smarter by reading my half-baked ideas. Most likely, the Asian people you talk to will want to come over and beat me up for my lack of understanding of pretty much everything.

Some people also said that when they read my blog website that they thought I hated China. Actually, I really like it there. By “really like”, I mean “experience of a lifetime”. The food, the people and the action are entirely engaging at all times.

Anyway, I thought I would update this website to let my friends know that I got out alive. I seem to have come into contact with the right motorcycle taxis, questionable street food, rogue communist cops and rookie drivers passing on blind corners. Except for when I didn’t.

I got some more stuff to write about when I get some time and a bunch of photos. Plus, I am going back there for business trips. So if I see some wierd things happening (inevitable), I will try to add the action to the blog website. So I came back, but I am also going back (no hidden meaning).

Enjoy a few photos and check back later.

Strange Idol Worship

Tea Fields

Hot Pot---A Brilliant Way to Eat

Tibetan Orphans at Dickey Orphanage in Lhasa. These kids have no connections in China or Tibet (which is also China) so they are basically hosed. Really cute though and if you stop by they sing for you and show you their stuff (which is like nothing).

Tibetan Beer---Avoid

They use bamboo for food, hats, boats, chopsticks, doormats, dinnerware and in this case, scaffolding. Bamboo tastes good.

The Cormorants go fishing for the local guys. They tie a rope around their neck so they can't swallow the fish though. Nice.

EXTREMELY questionable street food. REALLY good though.

Some temple/place for farmers to nap in the south of China

Fairly typical meal. The plastic tablecloth makes it easy to spit the bones on the table. Gross? Maybe. Really tasty? Absolutely.




Sunset over the seawall near my house in The Republic of China (Taiwan). See previous posts about Chinese missiles pointed at Taiwan if you are confused.

Dealing with Traffic Accidents in Taiwan

Here are some tips for dealing with traffic accidents in Taiwan. Specifically when you rear end someone while trying to wedge into traffic.


Firstly, as in any traffic incident, don't panic. Even if you have to do some paper work or visit the cops, your Taiwan friends will go with you and do all the talking.


Number 2, since it is raining, hang out in your car for a while. This lets the victim of your carelessness realize he is getting wet while staring at the minimal damage. Hanging out for a while also lets the traffic jam grow while the poor guy tries to figure out what to do.


Number 3, and most important, when you finally get out of the car, speak ONLY English. This is very important. Not only will the guy panic when he sees you are a foreigner, he will literally freak out when you speak English very quickly. He will blank out on any lessons he ever took.

You should say, "Ohman, I am really sorry because I just woke up and was trying to do the radio and check Blackberry and wave goodbye to the parking attendant all at the same time but the good news is that both of our bumpers are so mangled already that it is impossible to see any damage and that is what bumpers are for anyway right?"

This final tactic should be the hammer as the guy is wet, people are honking and he is already not really sure what to do.

It is okay to feel good when he literally runs back to his car and drives away quickly. You have saved time for yourself, the guy and your co-worker that would have had to talk to the cops.

So there are a few tips. Just in case.

Hunger

Maybe it's time to come home.





I was driving to Taipei yesterday morning. Along the way, I passed a truck full of pigs. That's not unusual since pork is the most common meat. What was different this time is that their big ears flapping in the wind actually made me hungry.





I sort of lost concentration and started salivating on the big floppy ears. Later, we went to the restaurant that had chopped pig ear for appetizers. Its quite tasty when prepared properly.





What happened to me?

Mmmm....Pig Ear.....

I Can Read Chinese

This weekend I was brushing my teeth. The toothpaste has a picture of a smiling guy with a bow tie and a top hat. I didn’t think too much of it. The toothpaste works and it was on sale.


I've been using it for a while but it wasn't until recently that I could recognize some Chinese words so while brushing my teeth I started looking at the words on the tube.



I could recognize the words "Man" and "Black". What? Yes, that's right, the toothpaste is called "Black Man Toothpaste". I had to ask someone if I was reading this properly. Surely, you couldn’t launch a blatantly racist ad campaign in a country as civilized as Taiwan. Turns out that you can and I have been unkowningly using racist toothpaste for months. No cavities though.


Black Man Toothpaste

Trouble With the Law

I got a speeding ticket. The only problem is that it was 3 months ago, the first week I had a car. So now I am paranoid that I have a bunch of tickets over the last 3 months that I don't know about yet. They have cameras everywhere that snap your picture if you go 10 kmh over the limit. That's like getting caught doing 36 mph in a 30 mph zone so it is easily done. It's also a problem when you aren't really sure what the speed is and there aren't any cars around.

My co-workers pointed out the sign that warns you that a camera is coming up. All in chinese. Sweet. I couldn't ever figure out why people were going pedal to the metal and then would suddenly jam on the brakes for no reason. I was taking that as my cue to go around the crappy driver with no sense of maintaining speed. Oops.

The good news is that the ticket is only $50 USD (assuming the USD doesn't continue to tank). I have to pay at the local 7-11. I think the girl behind the counter is going to get to know me and my legal troubles pretty well.

Some Photos

Recently flooded rice field near my house.

Yer another field. These water logged fields are excellent mosquito incubators. That means I have to go on mosquito patrol before bed every night. Nothing worse than buzzing in your ear right before you fall asleep.






Lion's Head Mountain- A trail network with a bunch of temples.

View at Lion's Head. Cool pagoda.
Huge temple up there in the mountains.

I didn't know you could headbang in Buddhist heaven.

Check out the earlobes.

Lobes.

That is my office on the left. We have our own farm. Well it is not really my company's farm but I guess "zoning" is relative so things are all mixed up. I like to watch the farmer on my break sometimes and I am pretty sure that stuff he sprays is not organic.

We also have our own chicken. The only explanation I have been able to get is that he is good for eating centipedes.

Also next to the office we have a pretty cool gate and a guard dog. Don't worry, he is just sleeping. Actually all he does is sleep in the street, bark at cars and show up in the restaurant to eat left over pork chops. I am jealous.

Elections and a Few Photos.

Taiwan Resident who made me think of Elections




Guess what, America is not the only place that needs a new president. As much as the news wants you to think that Hillary and Obama will either save America or squabble away certain victory, there are other countries that have presidents. Taiwan is one of them.

So allow me to bring you up to speed:

Taiwan bugs China, so China has aimed a whole bunch of missiles at the island.



Missile Defense System

Taiwan likes money, so they are one of the largest direct foreign investors in China (that means Chinese people get more jobs and don’t riot).

The current Taiwan president has spent a lot of time saying Taiwan is its own country. This angers China a lot and that scares a lot of people on the island (remember the missiles). Plus, if China blows this place up, it will be hard to keep making money in China. Not to mention that it would be blown up.

So, they had an election and believe it or not, the guy who keeps angering China and its army, well, his party lost. A guy won who thinks Taiwan should be more friendly with China and its money making opportunities. People like this because they like money and they don’t like being carpet bombed. I heard one guy call it “supply-chain diplomacy”. Anyway, this new guy starts in a couple of months. It might make people ease off on their conspiracy theories that China is going to attack right after the Olympics.

Here are some funny “facts” that are probably close to reality but I don’t care to look up for sure. It was Taiwan’s 4th democratic election. The current president got shot the day before the last election 4 years ago and people honestly think it was staged for the sympathy vote. They had something like 75% turnout this time. People can’t vote by mail-in, so thousands of citizens flew in from other countries to vote. The 75% turnout was lower than last time. I think it is kind of like a new toy; since it is only the 4th time had a democratic election, people are still pumped about voting.

Enough. Since Taiwan people are so passionate about voting, they sometimes riot (and try to assassinate candidates). I was scheduled to go to our office in the south and then do tourism but my co-workers made me wait until after the elections in case of rioting. There was no rioting and I ended up in the south last weekend. I stayed in a Taiwan version of a resort town. Which is a little dirtier, noisier and more crowded than you might like but still warm and fun. It is called Kenting; all the at the southern tip of Taiwan. Enjoy some photos.

OK Hill Hotel- Notice the Astro-turf

Some bird.

Coral Beach

A little noisy with jet skis but still nice.

Swimming lessons aren't big over here.

I like the picture of the snake.

Chinese version of Paradise.

A Few More Photos

I guess it was a special day a couple days ago. People told me it was the last day of the Lunar New Year Festival and it was the Lantern Festival. The only thing is I am not really sure if they are supposed to fall on the same day or not. I heard 3 different versions of the timing. I should have tried out my Chinese language to get down the timing of the days, but then I don't really care that much.

What I do care about is big time fireworks. For some reason, it is more important to scare the demons on this day than on the first day of the New Year Festival. So all of the 7-11's stocked up with the best bombs money can buy. I walked downtown for the festivities. People were getting hit with fireworks left and right. I saw one mom yelling at her little boy because apparently he had the mortars aimed the wrong way.

People were launching launching paper lanterns with flames that gave them lift. It was really cool to watch all of these red glowing lanterns floating over the city with fireworks going off everywhere. I guess no one is worried where they come down or what they might burn to the ground when they do. Sorry, I couldn't get a good photo.

I did get some photos of some Joes with an arsenal in the middle of an intersection. They had some blow torches and an endless supply of serious fireworks flowing out of the mini-mart. I am not sure who was more at risk, the pedestrians, the firework technicians or the motorists. Enjoy:

A Few Photos

Here are a few photos. I hope I get some better ones later but for now it's a little taste of Taiwan.

This is a typical restaurant. I have been eating in places like this a lot. They only boil stuff. I get lots of beef noodles and seafood noodles. They also do wonton type things and vegetables. They also have lots of cold dishes like tofu and animal parts that they put on a scale and then chop up for you.

The National Musuem in Taipei. Most of the stuff here came from the Forbidden City in Beijing. It really irritates the Chinese government that Chiang Kai Shek took all the best stuff from China. The funny thing is that the artifacts almost definitely would have been destroyed when Mao flipped out and had the Cultural Revolution.

This guy is in Hsinchu. That must be a 10 foot tall Thumbs Up.

Just to give you an idea of how lush it is. This is a park in the city. Actually this photo doesn't really convey the reality so forget it. It's really leafy and green in Taiwan though. Trust me.

Hsinchu Harbor. This is about 10 minutes driving from my apartment. They have a good seafood market and jogging trail.

Longshan Temple in Taipei. There are temples everywhere in Taiwan. Even a small temple/shrine in the home is common. It is a stark contrast to the mainland because Mao decided it would be a good idea to knock down all the temples. Genius.

The temples in Taiwan typically have these really colorful cartoon characters on the rooftops. This one is in Beipu about an hour away from Hsinchu.

Rats, KTV and 6 Year Old Pyrotechnicians

It is Chinese New Year time. 2008 is the Year of the Rat. I guess it is a good year for wealth and marriage. But I think the translation is messed up because almost everything is good for wealth and marriage.

It is one of the most important times of the year for Asia. It’s like Christmas for western people. I got invited to New Year’s Eve dinner with a local family. So that’s like inviting a Chinese guy into your home for Christmas Eve and all the dude can really say in English is “Merry Christmas, I am very happy to meet you”. How cool and hilarious would that be? Well, that was me.

It is very important to light off lots of fireworks at the New Year to ward off bad spirits. I think last year I wrote that it was to ward off dragons. I found out later that dragons are actually really lucky. So it was a translation error that I am now retracting. I dare you to guess how many “facts” I have written over the past year are completely off base…..

Anyway, people have been blowing off professional grade fireworks for the last two weeks. At the local family’s house, they put a kid who looked like he was 10 in charge of the pyrotechnics. His assistant was probably about 6 and they were using the back porch as a platform. The best is when a firework accidentally shoots sidways and the kids run and hide and then start laughing and wrestling around in the dirt before lighting another bomb. Since the children had firework duty, the adults were free to chug wine and eat way too much food indoors.

I actually attended two dinners since the guys were brothers who lived next door to each other. One guy was pretty excited to drink wine with foreigners. Lots of neighbors and relatives kept stopping by and they wanted to chug with foreigners as well. So the brothers had to go find more wine in some dusty, cockroach ridden boxes. The wine was pretty crappy but the food was a nice combination of seafood, pork and pork stomach….

After dinner, everyone retired to the “living room” of one of the houses for karaoke and mahjong. Actually, the living room had roll up garage doors and in addition to the couches and entertainment center, they also had 5 scooters, an office and lots of pump repair supplies (the brother is in the pump business).

I was learning mahjong and singing karaoke at the same time. It was very difficult to understand the mahjong instructions since we had to crank karaoke to 10 in order to hear the singing over the bombs going off outside. With the high ceilings and concrete floors, it made for a fairly insane after dinner entertainment. I do understand money and it turns out that mahjohng is a gambling game and you should yell whenever someone wins or loses. Oh yeah, since there aren’t heaters in Taiwan and it had been in the low 50’s lately, I didn’t take my jacket off the whole time. So I was yelling, singing, freezing and paying out money to people who thought I was a pretty funny side show.

So there you have a little taste of a Taiwan version of Christmas dinner. Let me tell you that after all of the crappy wine, KTV cranked to 10, ridiculously confusing mahjong instructions (in Chinese and broken English) and bombs going off on all sides, I had a pretty bad headache by the time I made it home….

I guess Taiwan is similar to China in that if it is not loud, confusing and slightly insane, it’s not worth doing.

Happy New Year!

Traitors (Chinese History Lesson)

Hello Friends-

Sorry I haven't written anything lately. The company moved me to the Republic of China (Taiwan). In the process, I got busy.

I live on a tropical island full of traitors to the mainland. So far, I haven't been blown up by the communists, but invasion is probably imminent. Think about it, if Hawaii seceded from the US, would we let China recognize them as the "Republic of America" in the UN or would we surround them with aircraft carriers and do a lot of "missile tests".

History lesson: Chiang Kai Shek lost the civil war against Mao Tse Tung in China. Chiang fled to Taiwan. Mao proceeded to freak out and royally screw up China. Chiang was no Nelson Mandela but eventually Taiwan opened up to the west. Taiwan is now modern, China is not. Plus, in a major face on Mao, Chiang Kai Shek stole all of the coolest artifacts from China when he was on the run so now Taiwan has basically every major piece of Chinese history in a huge museum in Taipei. I can't imagine how pissed the communists are about that one. I can just picture the fury in the eyes of the admiral who launches the sneak attack on Taipei.

People in America keep asking me how I like it in Taiwan. It's like this; It's a tropical island. There are green birds flying around, I eat fresh seafood and fresh fruit almost every day, I can see the ocean from my apartment and people laugh a lot. However, it's no Shanghai. I mean I lived downtown in one of the most exciting cities in the world. But girls dancing on bars at 9:30 in the morning is no way to live (long), so it's really quite nice be in a Chinese version of the tropics.

The upside (at least for excitement) is that I am now a licensed driver in Taiwan. At first I thought they were crazy to let a foriegner who can't read the traffic signs get behind the wheel. But after cruising for a week or two, I started to realize that while people around here drive aggressively, they are pretty crappy drivers; hey it's just like home! Except every car, scooter and bicycle has scrapes and dents all over it. I saw a young business woman go down on her scooter last night. She was probably bleeding, but got up and kept moving so as not to be crushed by a dump truck. Anyway, it's a bit sketchy because I can’t read anything and I don’t know what the rules are. Besides that I have scooters on all sides, dogs wandering in the road and old ladies on bicycles that just pop of alleys like a flipping magic show. I should have brought my ski helmet to wear when I drive. But the good news is that the car is pretty big and the scooters are pretty small. I'll make sure to write from Taiwanese prison when I run over a scooter.

So there you have a history lesson with a little lifestyle of a foreigner thrown in. I'll write more later. I will also get the camera going. It's really quite nice here (palm trees). Even the mainlanders told me that this is the real China. Taiwan didn't get totally hosed by Mao and the Cultural Revolution so they were able to retain the original culture. It's going to be really disappointing when China freaks out and decides to carpet bomb this place. That's a joke, it's not that bad. Probably.

That's all for now.