Goodbye Communism, Hello Wild Dogs and Buddhas

Dear Friends,


My company transferred me to Taiwan. I haven’t written anything in this internet blog for a while because I have been busy closing down my Shanghai operations, attending farewell dinners and seeing for how cheap I can get a Rolex (3 bucks). My parents also stopped by for a week so I had to be in charge of them to make sure they didn’t get hit by a bus (mom nearly did).

I have gone from one of the largest cities in the world to a sleepy town of 400,000 in Taiwan called Hsinchu. It is about a 30 minute train ride to Taipei. It is like the silicon valley of Taiwan. The difference from California is that there are wild dogs roaming the streets, there are Buddhist shrines in the restaurants and your dinner costs 2 dollars instead of 200 dollars. Since the place is small, the plan is that I will get a car. Since I can’t read the signs, I can’t imagine it is a really good idea to let me on the roadways. I guess I will be like the foreigner with a driver’s license and no clue that we all love to hate back home.

Before I left China, mom and dad showed up to see some Chinese stuff. They didn’t see many pointy hats but they did see some fights, some random poultry slaughter, a guy blowing his nose on my shoes, duck tongue appetizers, beer girls, cocktails in the 4th tallest building in the world, squat toilets, overpriced trinkets and me saying, “I don’t understand” a lot. So they saw some Chinese stuff. Dad’s quote on the way to the airport was, “On most vacations, I don’t want to leave. For China, one week is plenty”. Good times.

While I was a bit sad to say goodbye to Red China, I am getting pretty pumped to see what is happening in the breakaway republic. I am hoping there is no communist invasion while I am here. I think I will keep writing in this internet blog because Taiwan also has some stuff that is not like home so I should find some good material.

I suppose I could try to write some profound essay about living and doing business in China. But the truth is that I really don’t know what is happening over there and if you are like me, you don’t have the attention span to stick with the intro, body and conclusion. So if you really want to know about it, buy me a beer when I come home and I will be happy to tell you a bunch of half baked ideas about what I think is happening in China.


Instead of boring you, take a look at some of my favorite photos. Enjoy:

Water Village

Prayer Flags

Tibetan Rappers--(the kid with the robe had a full pantry of food in there)

Child Labor is Alive and Well (but look how happy they are)

Some Temple

Gate Keeper

Typical Dinner--This one was particularly good

Some of these people had never seen their own photo





Yak at 15,000 Feet

Great Wall of China

Forbidden City (I heard they cancelled Starbucks)

More Great Wall

Great Wall Again

These guys are everywhere but this one is particularly cool.

Bike Up Chicken Slaughter

Fish Market (shopping in pajamas is normal)

I met some strange yet friendly people

This guy was also a friendly whack job

Water Village at Night

China Wins Again

Some days, actually many days, things in China don’t go the way you thought they would. In America, you might complain or take some action to fix things. In China, it is best to accept that you have been had, misinformed, or generally screwed and move on. This is known as, “China Wins Again” or “CWA”.

One day after some monasteries and hiking in Tibet, our guide Dawa told us that we had time for a boat ride. We were all game for a relaxing boat ride. We arrived at a dirty, greasy, mostly abandoned collection of mud houses next to the river. We “negotiated” with the boss to rent our own boat for about $30 USD. We had to wait for a half hour or so. While we waited I watched a cow eat about 50 cigarette butts and some cardboard on the shore.

The Vessel

When the boat arrived Chinese people also got on the boat and the skipper told Dawa that they were locals and we would drop them at the other shore. The “locals” told us they were from Shanghai. About 10 minutes into the “River Cruise” and after some intense questioning of Dawa, I realized we were on the local ferry to the other side of the river. So now, everyone was hungry and realizing the River Cruise was about 1/10th as cool as we thought and we had another 2 hours to Lhasa, a hot shower and a cold beer.

The Skipper

The ferry terminus was a mud bank with a few trees and about 30 people who wanted to go to where we came from. I told Dawa that the mud bank was great and that we should go back to the collection of mud huts immediately. Meanwhile all 30 people on the shore started lobbying to ride on the boat back to the mud huts. Intense negotiations ensued. I was still wondering why Dawa thought this would be a good idea. My only requirement was that the people we took back would not exceed 5 in number (so we would not drown in icy Tibetan waters).

The Negotiations

We asked the skipper if we could leave and boarded the boat in an effort to avoid confrontation. Things were getting a little volatile and our non-decision efforts were probably making it worse. Just then, the local Chinese cops rolled up in a 4x4. Tibetan jail was imminent. The cops got out, swaggered through the crowd and got on the boat. The crowd said nothing. We said nothing. The cops sat down and started staring at us. The driver put out his smoke and started pushing us off the mud bank. It seemed that these guys just wanted to get to the other side like everyone else. Our big problem of who to take was solved! I was pretty happy to be involved with police corruption at that point. I was still a little nervous though, as in, I really did not want to go to Tibetan jail.

Eventually the coppers offered us cigarettes. It was like those movies where you get a smoke before they torture you. In our case, the decision to accept the gift of cancer sticks made us instant buddies with the cocky peace keepers. Actually, in China, turning down an offer of a cigarette can be seen as rude as it is a gift and most dudes really don’t know or care about cancer.

The Fuzz

Upon arrival at the mud huts, we said thanks and got the heck out of there in case these guys changed their mind about our freedom. We blew by the cigarette eating cow, piled into the SUV and told the driver to step on it. But act cool. No looking in the rear view mirror.

We went from pissed and hungry, to irritated and facing potential drowning on an overcrowded boat, to a Tibetan jail sentence to buddies with the local law all in the course of an hour. While it all turned out be ridiculous and fun at the same time, I still have not figured out why Dawa thought we should pay 30 bucks to ride a ferry to a mud bank….China Wins Again!

7 Days in Tibet; or, "Hey Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?”

I went to Tibet. In Tibet, I met happy monks, drank yak butter tea, visited an old lady’s cave, got boarded by corrupt cops, got altitude sickness, got my photo taken with a yak at 15,000 feet, bought knick knacks, ate lots of yak meat, drank really bad Tibetan beer, gave clothes and school supplies to filthy orphans, danced the Macarena with 500 Tibetans at 1:00 AM in an upstairs firetrap of a bar, did lots of passing on blind corners, and smiled until my face hurt.

I did not find enlightenment from the Lamas but I did have a lot of fun with them. Check the photos.

Beggar Kids who Forgot to Beg for a Minute

Lhasa

Nowhere, Tibet

Dude in a Cave, You Decide if he is a Monk

Monastery Way the Heck up There

Prayer Wheels

Prayer Flags

Palace

More Flags, Altitude Sickness/Elightenment Imminent

Politics and Puking

View From Yak Hotel

I went to Tibet. That sounds weird. I will tell you right away that you are not going to get enlightened or whatever by taking a plane ride to Tibet. Sure those monks are cool and they smile a lot which is also cool, but I think you could get enlightened by listening to the priest instead of sleeping or tacking an extra couple miles onto your jog. No I think a lot of people think they are enlightened up there because there isn’t any oxygen. I mean seriously, you are pretty much delirious the whole time. We stayed at a place in Lhasa called the Yak hotel and it was fitting because I did exactly that the first night we were there. Lhasa is about 12,000 feet altitude. I have been at that altitude before but not for long and if you stay there long enough you get “enlightened” and then you puke.

Survivor of Cultural Revolution

Tibet is the highest region on earth, thus the puking (altitude sickness).

It borders India. Buddhism is the main religion. The Chinese invaded Tibet in 1950. Tibet did not have much of an army so they were conquered. A lot of Tibetans were killed. The Chinese always thought Tibet belonged to them but it is also militarily important so they decided to rule it and keep a military presence. The Chinese have embarked on a campaign to colonize Tibet. They incentivize native Chinese to live there so now the Chinese outnumber the Tibetans. The Chinese have done an excellent job of providing really good infrastructure and at the same time knocking down monasteries (during the Cultural Revolution). So when you see those sweet “Free Tibet” bumper stickers, that is what they are talking about. It is similar to when Americans eliminated Native Americans except with less bloodshed and more effort to provide services and infrastructure to the native people. Personally I think those bumper stickers are bubble gum philosophy (actually anybody trying to spread wisdom at 60 MPH might be a bubble gum philosopher). Firstly, The Dalai Lama gave it up. He doesn’t want independence, just autonomy. He knows that the Chinese are stubborn bastards and that barren piece of land is a buffer between India and China. So if you think about how many Indian dudes are in the Indian Army (as frail as they may be), and you think about how paranoid the Chinese communist machine is, you have to realize that “Free Tibet” just ain’t happening. So you have to work with the system so you can retain some culture, religious freedom and maybe have a little bit of political power in the hands of the indigenous people. Secondly, those “Free Tibet” bumper sticker guys should change those stickers to “If your country is militarily important, you had better get an army or an ally that is willing to go head to head with 1.3 billion Chinese dudes who will do whatever the government tells them to without question”. Tibet belongs to China now. Just like the American west belongs to America and not the people who lived there before. Americans are not giving it back and neither is China.

Monk Unaware of Imminent Indian Invasion

Sorry about the politics. Maybe my thoughts are bubble gum. I feel like a college student or something. In fact my head hurts now so forget I wrote any of that stuff.

To sum up, Tibet is awesome. China thought so too and took it. Now they let people go there for tourism. I went there and met excellent Chinese people and excellent Tibetan people. And puked.

Facts and Tips

In Shanghai the following happens:

You hawk loogies. At first you think the local people have no concept of decorum. Then you realize you are sucking on coal and dust 24/7 and there is no way to avoid loogie hawking.

It is fashionable to jack up your pants or shorts over your stomach.

You have dust and probably bits of asbestos in your eyes most of the time you are walking around. Sunglasses help.

You stare. What’s worse is that you start staring at white people.

If there is a large crowd of people standing around, you go over to see why they are standing around.

You say “yes” without knowing why.

You get food poisoning.

When anyone over the age of 7 says “Hello!” you ignore them most of the time as it is the equivalent of, “Hey, you are really funny looking!”, or else, “Hey buy my overpriced stuff!”.

Tips:

Don’t complain when they shut off the water all day in your apartment. You are only surprised and frustrated because you cannot read any of the notices in the lobby.

When you get a stomach virus, you only feel like you will die for a couple of days. This is not painful enough to stop eating street food. Maybe if it lasted 5 days you should stop with the street food.

Given the choice, ask for your meat well done. It’s good for killing the stuff that is not meat.

Anquan mao means safety hat. It also means helmet. This is handy when you want to ask your motorcycle taxi if he has one. If he doesn’t, get a discount. Try to get a clean anquan mao.

Deep fried bird on a stick is good.

If your motorcycle taxi is a swindler and insists on changing the price mid-route, tell him to stop and get off. This applies to a swindling taxi driver as well. Just get out in the middle of the freeway. The penalty for ripping off a foreigner can be pretty bad. Thus, they panic and stop with the head-ache inducing swindling/paddycake game.

When your co-worker buys some sort of bug killing incense to burn under her desk due to the in-office mosquito problem, remind her that there is a bug zapper just above the cubicle.

Here’s a good one: when things aren’t going your way and you are dealing with the “authorities”, don’t try to communicate with whoever is hanging you up. Rather talk in English really fast. That way, they will get tired of trying to figure out what the foreigner is saying and eventually they will just wave you through. This one saves a lot of time.

Back pockets are no place for wallets.

Smile a lot in the airport. This expedites the process in addition to talking in English really fast.

Make sure to drink lots of water as MSG seems to dehydrate and tire you.

Finally, get used to unanswered questions.

Xi'an

Xi'an



I went to Xi'an on the weekend. Xi'an is the place with the Terracotta Warriors. It is about a 2.5 hour flight east of Shanghai. It is not very crowded during this time of year because it is ridiculously hot.

Xi'an is a fun place to visit. It has been a capital of 11 Chinese dynasties over 4,000 years. So it has some old stuff. As in, the Romans hadn't even thought of Rome while these Chinese guys were building cities and ruling people. So there is a lot of good tourism. The biggest draw is the Terracotta army. Apparently, this emporer had this huge clay army buried with him when he died. He wanted these guys to help him rule another another empire in the afterlife. There are also remains of the craftsmen buried in the tomb as the emporer was afraid that they would tell people about the huge clay army. So, Xi'an tourism is based on a complete whackjob emporer's insane idea that a clay army buried in the ground along with a bunch of workers he killed are helping him rule a big kingdom in the sky. Maybe he was right, but either way, his clay army is pretty awesome.

Xi'an is polluted. I thought Shanghai had ridiculously bad air pollution. I have now changed my opinion. Shanghai has extremely bad air pollution; Xi'an has ridiculously bad air pollution. I think they lost the sun about 20 years ago. Children under the age of 20 have no idea what sunshine is. I was happy to breathe "fresh" air when I got back to Shanghai.

Xi'an has a big Muslim influence. They have a lot of mosques. It was the eastern terminus of the Silk Road which was the big trading route between the east and places like Turkey, Iran and Egypt. So there is a lot of spicy lamb on the streets. They also have some really spicy bread that they cook on a fire. I completely dropped the ball because I heard that they put the lamb inside the bread to make a Chinese sandwich. I failed to try this delicacy. I was travelling with an English girl who has lived China for almost 2 years and hates Chinese food. So my Xi'an dining was limited to the hotel buffet and street food. The street food was great and unlimited beer redeemed the buffet.

Xi'an has a really good university so there are a lot of smart people. We met an astronomer who charged a mere 10 RMB to take a look at the moon.

Chinese Astronomer

Xi'an has an old walled city. You can ride a bicycle all the way around the city. It was too hot for that, so we just took photos of the warriors on the wall.

City Wall

By far my favorite thing in Xi'an was playing street games at midnight. They had a knock down the jugs game, a game where you have to throw a baseball in a bucket and a brilliant game whereby you have to make a bamboo ring land on top of a piece of wood with the amount of the prize written on it. A guy with jacked up pants and a long stick like a craps dealer set all of these pieces of wood out on the sidewalk and charged 1 RMB for for bamboo rings. It was impossible. I think the guy with the jacked up pants must be rich. I did win some cards on the baseball game.

I don't think anything really insane happened. I may have seen insanity but I think I am getting used to it. For example, the English girl wanted a better picture of a temple, so I suggested that she stand in the middle of a 4 lane highway. She had to laugh because she missed the obvious solution to the problem. Anyway, Xi'an is a lot of fun. Even though I nearly overheated and passed out one day walking around in the brutal sun (is it bad when you stop sweating?) and I probably took a year off my life by sucking on the coal laden air, I really liked it there. It was definitely a duller roar of insanity compared to Shanghai.

Censorship

I may have mentioned this before but I cannot see this blog. I can only upload the posts. I am pretty sure the communists don't like me writing about girls dancing on bars and old ladies hawking loogies.

In fact, I am pretty sure the commies have tried to break into my place to confiscate my computer but the cops are too frail to break down the door to my apartment.

I can also attest that my brain is turning into oatmeal since I have been reading the good news only censored newspaper everyday. Also, I got tired of fixing the satellite every two weeks so I am stuck on the one English language channel. The news is all good. Business is booming, farmers are happy, young people are getting married, old people are healthy and the cops always get their man. While my brain may be oatmeal, I feel great.

Anyway, rest assured that while the economic miracle is in place, the communists are firmly in control.