Goodbye Communism, Hello Wild Dogs and Buddhas

Dear Friends,


My company transferred me to Taiwan. I haven’t written anything in this internet blog for a while because I have been busy closing down my Shanghai operations, attending farewell dinners and seeing for how cheap I can get a Rolex (3 bucks). My parents also stopped by for a week so I had to be in charge of them to make sure they didn’t get hit by a bus (mom nearly did).

I have gone from one of the largest cities in the world to a sleepy town of 400,000 in Taiwan called Hsinchu. It is about a 30 minute train ride to Taipei. It is like the silicon valley of Taiwan. The difference from California is that there are wild dogs roaming the streets, there are Buddhist shrines in the restaurants and your dinner costs 2 dollars instead of 200 dollars. Since the place is small, the plan is that I will get a car. Since I can’t read the signs, I can’t imagine it is a really good idea to let me on the roadways. I guess I will be like the foreigner with a driver’s license and no clue that we all love to hate back home.

Before I left China, mom and dad showed up to see some Chinese stuff. They didn’t see many pointy hats but they did see some fights, some random poultry slaughter, a guy blowing his nose on my shoes, duck tongue appetizers, beer girls, cocktails in the 4th tallest building in the world, squat toilets, overpriced trinkets and me saying, “I don’t understand” a lot. So they saw some Chinese stuff. Dad’s quote on the way to the airport was, “On most vacations, I don’t want to leave. For China, one week is plenty”. Good times.

While I was a bit sad to say goodbye to Red China, I am getting pretty pumped to see what is happening in the breakaway republic. I am hoping there is no communist invasion while I am here. I think I will keep writing in this internet blog because Taiwan also has some stuff that is not like home so I should find some good material.

I suppose I could try to write some profound essay about living and doing business in China. But the truth is that I really don’t know what is happening over there and if you are like me, you don’t have the attention span to stick with the intro, body and conclusion. So if you really want to know about it, buy me a beer when I come home and I will be happy to tell you a bunch of half baked ideas about what I think is happening in China.


Instead of boring you, take a look at some of my favorite photos. Enjoy:

Water Village

Prayer Flags

Tibetan Rappers--(the kid with the robe had a full pantry of food in there)

Child Labor is Alive and Well (but look how happy they are)

Some Temple

Gate Keeper

Typical Dinner--This one was particularly good

Some of these people had never seen their own photo





Yak at 15,000 Feet

Great Wall of China

Forbidden City (I heard they cancelled Starbucks)

More Great Wall

Great Wall Again

These guys are everywhere but this one is particularly cool.

Bike Up Chicken Slaughter

Fish Market (shopping in pajamas is normal)

I met some strange yet friendly people

This guy was also a friendly whack job

Water Village at Night

China Wins Again

Some days, actually many days, things in China don’t go the way you thought they would. In America, you might complain or take some action to fix things. In China, it is best to accept that you have been had, misinformed, or generally screwed and move on. This is known as, “China Wins Again” or “CWA”.

One day after some monasteries and hiking in Tibet, our guide Dawa told us that we had time for a boat ride. We were all game for a relaxing boat ride. We arrived at a dirty, greasy, mostly abandoned collection of mud houses next to the river. We “negotiated” with the boss to rent our own boat for about $30 USD. We had to wait for a half hour or so. While we waited I watched a cow eat about 50 cigarette butts and some cardboard on the shore.

The Vessel

When the boat arrived Chinese people also got on the boat and the skipper told Dawa that they were locals and we would drop them at the other shore. The “locals” told us they were from Shanghai. About 10 minutes into the “River Cruise” and after some intense questioning of Dawa, I realized we were on the local ferry to the other side of the river. So now, everyone was hungry and realizing the River Cruise was about 1/10th as cool as we thought and we had another 2 hours to Lhasa, a hot shower and a cold beer.

The Skipper

The ferry terminus was a mud bank with a few trees and about 30 people who wanted to go to where we came from. I told Dawa that the mud bank was great and that we should go back to the collection of mud huts immediately. Meanwhile all 30 people on the shore started lobbying to ride on the boat back to the mud huts. Intense negotiations ensued. I was still wondering why Dawa thought this would be a good idea. My only requirement was that the people we took back would not exceed 5 in number (so we would not drown in icy Tibetan waters).

The Negotiations

We asked the skipper if we could leave and boarded the boat in an effort to avoid confrontation. Things were getting a little volatile and our non-decision efforts were probably making it worse. Just then, the local Chinese cops rolled up in a 4x4. Tibetan jail was imminent. The cops got out, swaggered through the crowd and got on the boat. The crowd said nothing. We said nothing. The cops sat down and started staring at us. The driver put out his smoke and started pushing us off the mud bank. It seemed that these guys just wanted to get to the other side like everyone else. Our big problem of who to take was solved! I was pretty happy to be involved with police corruption at that point. I was still a little nervous though, as in, I really did not want to go to Tibetan jail.

Eventually the coppers offered us cigarettes. It was like those movies where you get a smoke before they torture you. In our case, the decision to accept the gift of cancer sticks made us instant buddies with the cocky peace keepers. Actually, in China, turning down an offer of a cigarette can be seen as rude as it is a gift and most dudes really don’t know or care about cancer.

The Fuzz

Upon arrival at the mud huts, we said thanks and got the heck out of there in case these guys changed their mind about our freedom. We blew by the cigarette eating cow, piled into the SUV and told the driver to step on it. But act cool. No looking in the rear view mirror.

We went from pissed and hungry, to irritated and facing potential drowning on an overcrowded boat, to a Tibetan jail sentence to buddies with the local law all in the course of an hour. While it all turned out be ridiculous and fun at the same time, I still have not figured out why Dawa thought we should pay 30 bucks to ride a ferry to a mud bank….China Wins Again!

7 Days in Tibet; or, "Hey Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?”

I went to Tibet. In Tibet, I met happy monks, drank yak butter tea, visited an old lady’s cave, got boarded by corrupt cops, got altitude sickness, got my photo taken with a yak at 15,000 feet, bought knick knacks, ate lots of yak meat, drank really bad Tibetan beer, gave clothes and school supplies to filthy orphans, danced the Macarena with 500 Tibetans at 1:00 AM in an upstairs firetrap of a bar, did lots of passing on blind corners, and smiled until my face hurt.

I did not find enlightenment from the Lamas but I did have a lot of fun with them. Check the photos.

Beggar Kids who Forgot to Beg for a Minute

Lhasa

Nowhere, Tibet

Dude in a Cave, You Decide if he is a Monk

Monastery Way the Heck up There

Prayer Wheels

Prayer Flags

Palace

More Flags, Altitude Sickness/Elightenment Imminent

Politics and Puking

View From Yak Hotel

I went to Tibet. That sounds weird. I will tell you right away that you are not going to get enlightened or whatever by taking a plane ride to Tibet. Sure those monks are cool and they smile a lot which is also cool, but I think you could get enlightened by listening to the priest instead of sleeping or tacking an extra couple miles onto your jog. No I think a lot of people think they are enlightened up there because there isn’t any oxygen. I mean seriously, you are pretty much delirious the whole time. We stayed at a place in Lhasa called the Yak hotel and it was fitting because I did exactly that the first night we were there. Lhasa is about 12,000 feet altitude. I have been at that altitude before but not for long and if you stay there long enough you get “enlightened” and then you puke.

Survivor of Cultural Revolution

Tibet is the highest region on earth, thus the puking (altitude sickness).

It borders India. Buddhism is the main religion. The Chinese invaded Tibet in 1950. Tibet did not have much of an army so they were conquered. A lot of Tibetans were killed. The Chinese always thought Tibet belonged to them but it is also militarily important so they decided to rule it and keep a military presence. The Chinese have embarked on a campaign to colonize Tibet. They incentivize native Chinese to live there so now the Chinese outnumber the Tibetans. The Chinese have done an excellent job of providing really good infrastructure and at the same time knocking down monasteries (during the Cultural Revolution). So when you see those sweet “Free Tibet” bumper stickers, that is what they are talking about. It is similar to when Americans eliminated Native Americans except with less bloodshed and more effort to provide services and infrastructure to the native people. Personally I think those bumper stickers are bubble gum philosophy (actually anybody trying to spread wisdom at 60 MPH might be a bubble gum philosopher). Firstly, The Dalai Lama gave it up. He doesn’t want independence, just autonomy. He knows that the Chinese are stubborn bastards and that barren piece of land is a buffer between India and China. So if you think about how many Indian dudes are in the Indian Army (as frail as they may be), and you think about how paranoid the Chinese communist machine is, you have to realize that “Free Tibet” just ain’t happening. So you have to work with the system so you can retain some culture, religious freedom and maybe have a little bit of political power in the hands of the indigenous people. Secondly, those “Free Tibet” bumper sticker guys should change those stickers to “If your country is militarily important, you had better get an army or an ally that is willing to go head to head with 1.3 billion Chinese dudes who will do whatever the government tells them to without question”. Tibet belongs to China now. Just like the American west belongs to America and not the people who lived there before. Americans are not giving it back and neither is China.

Monk Unaware of Imminent Indian Invasion

Sorry about the politics. Maybe my thoughts are bubble gum. I feel like a college student or something. In fact my head hurts now so forget I wrote any of that stuff.

To sum up, Tibet is awesome. China thought so too and took it. Now they let people go there for tourism. I went there and met excellent Chinese people and excellent Tibetan people. And puked.

Facts and Tips

In Shanghai the following happens:

You hawk loogies. At first you think the local people have no concept of decorum. Then you realize you are sucking on coal and dust 24/7 and there is no way to avoid loogie hawking.

It is fashionable to jack up your pants or shorts over your stomach.

You have dust and probably bits of asbestos in your eyes most of the time you are walking around. Sunglasses help.

You stare. What’s worse is that you start staring at white people.

If there is a large crowd of people standing around, you go over to see why they are standing around.

You say “yes” without knowing why.

You get food poisoning.

When anyone over the age of 7 says “Hello!” you ignore them most of the time as it is the equivalent of, “Hey, you are really funny looking!”, or else, “Hey buy my overpriced stuff!”.

Tips:

Don’t complain when they shut off the water all day in your apartment. You are only surprised and frustrated because you cannot read any of the notices in the lobby.

When you get a stomach virus, you only feel like you will die for a couple of days. This is not painful enough to stop eating street food. Maybe if it lasted 5 days you should stop with the street food.

Given the choice, ask for your meat well done. It’s good for killing the stuff that is not meat.

Anquan mao means safety hat. It also means helmet. This is handy when you want to ask your motorcycle taxi if he has one. If he doesn’t, get a discount. Try to get a clean anquan mao.

Deep fried bird on a stick is good.

If your motorcycle taxi is a swindler and insists on changing the price mid-route, tell him to stop and get off. This applies to a swindling taxi driver as well. Just get out in the middle of the freeway. The penalty for ripping off a foreigner can be pretty bad. Thus, they panic and stop with the head-ache inducing swindling/paddycake game.

When your co-worker buys some sort of bug killing incense to burn under her desk due to the in-office mosquito problem, remind her that there is a bug zapper just above the cubicle.

Here’s a good one: when things aren’t going your way and you are dealing with the “authorities”, don’t try to communicate with whoever is hanging you up. Rather talk in English really fast. That way, they will get tired of trying to figure out what the foreigner is saying and eventually they will just wave you through. This one saves a lot of time.

Back pockets are no place for wallets.

Smile a lot in the airport. This expedites the process in addition to talking in English really fast.

Make sure to drink lots of water as MSG seems to dehydrate and tire you.

Finally, get used to unanswered questions.

Xi'an

Xi'an



I went to Xi'an on the weekend. Xi'an is the place with the Terracotta Warriors. It is about a 2.5 hour flight east of Shanghai. It is not very crowded during this time of year because it is ridiculously hot.

Xi'an is a fun place to visit. It has been a capital of 11 Chinese dynasties over 4,000 years. So it has some old stuff. As in, the Romans hadn't even thought of Rome while these Chinese guys were building cities and ruling people. So there is a lot of good tourism. The biggest draw is the Terracotta army. Apparently, this emporer had this huge clay army buried with him when he died. He wanted these guys to help him rule another another empire in the afterlife. There are also remains of the craftsmen buried in the tomb as the emporer was afraid that they would tell people about the huge clay army. So, Xi'an tourism is based on a complete whackjob emporer's insane idea that a clay army buried in the ground along with a bunch of workers he killed are helping him rule a big kingdom in the sky. Maybe he was right, but either way, his clay army is pretty awesome.

Xi'an is polluted. I thought Shanghai had ridiculously bad air pollution. I have now changed my opinion. Shanghai has extremely bad air pollution; Xi'an has ridiculously bad air pollution. I think they lost the sun about 20 years ago. Children under the age of 20 have no idea what sunshine is. I was happy to breathe "fresh" air when I got back to Shanghai.

Xi'an has a big Muslim influence. They have a lot of mosques. It was the eastern terminus of the Silk Road which was the big trading route between the east and places like Turkey, Iran and Egypt. So there is a lot of spicy lamb on the streets. They also have some really spicy bread that they cook on a fire. I completely dropped the ball because I heard that they put the lamb inside the bread to make a Chinese sandwich. I failed to try this delicacy. I was travelling with an English girl who has lived China for almost 2 years and hates Chinese food. So my Xi'an dining was limited to the hotel buffet and street food. The street food was great and unlimited beer redeemed the buffet.

Xi'an has a really good university so there are a lot of smart people. We met an astronomer who charged a mere 10 RMB to take a look at the moon.

Chinese Astronomer

Xi'an has an old walled city. You can ride a bicycle all the way around the city. It was too hot for that, so we just took photos of the warriors on the wall.

City Wall

By far my favorite thing in Xi'an was playing street games at midnight. They had a knock down the jugs game, a game where you have to throw a baseball in a bucket and a brilliant game whereby you have to make a bamboo ring land on top of a piece of wood with the amount of the prize written on it. A guy with jacked up pants and a long stick like a craps dealer set all of these pieces of wood out on the sidewalk and charged 1 RMB for for bamboo rings. It was impossible. I think the guy with the jacked up pants must be rich. I did win some cards on the baseball game.

I don't think anything really insane happened. I may have seen insanity but I think I am getting used to it. For example, the English girl wanted a better picture of a temple, so I suggested that she stand in the middle of a 4 lane highway. She had to laugh because she missed the obvious solution to the problem. Anyway, Xi'an is a lot of fun. Even though I nearly overheated and passed out one day walking around in the brutal sun (is it bad when you stop sweating?) and I probably took a year off my life by sucking on the coal laden air, I really liked it there. It was definitely a duller roar of insanity compared to Shanghai.

Censorship

I may have mentioned this before but I cannot see this blog. I can only upload the posts. I am pretty sure the communists don't like me writing about girls dancing on bars and old ladies hawking loogies.

In fact, I am pretty sure the commies have tried to break into my place to confiscate my computer but the cops are too frail to break down the door to my apartment.

I can also attest that my brain is turning into oatmeal since I have been reading the good news only censored newspaper everyday. Also, I got tired of fixing the satellite every two weeks so I am stuck on the one English language channel. The news is all good. Business is booming, farmers are happy, young people are getting married, old people are healthy and the cops always get their man. While my brain may be oatmeal, I feel great.

Anyway, rest assured that while the economic miracle is in place, the communists are firmly in control.

5 Items

5 Items Only is a New Concept:



The upscale grocery store has a speed line. This is where the rich Chinese and white people shop. I go there for 8 dollar boxes of cereal and 10 dollar cans of crappy coffee. Since I am out of money after that, I like to go to the speed line. 5 items only. Keep in mind that the store is perpetually jam packed with a lot of people yelling at each other, into their cell phones and generally crowding your space.



Anyway, I am starting to think that the speed line is an "anti" speed line. The Euros who don't give a crap and the Chinese who either don't give a crap or have never heard of the speed line jump in there. So in fact, it is longer because you have clowns like me with two items and cash in hand in addition to the yahoos with a full shopping cart and a credit card that probably won't work. I always feel like China played another joke on me after I stand there for 15 minutes. The big white clown fell for it again. One of these times I will remember that even though it looks like America, it's not.

I never say anything since a sense of humor a lot of patience are complete necessities over here. I have witnessed other Chinese people go ballistic on the check out person though for not busting the people who don't know and don't care.



So you should know that check out line frustration exists in China. I am sure I will forget again when I go back for 8 dollar cereal.

Me, The Chairman and Blind Man Musicians

Here is one more reason why China is cool and crazy at the same time. I was eating at a Hunan joint last night (Hunan is spicy). They seated me across from two old ladies at a tiny table since the place was packed. I cannot read the menu there but I know the names of some foods. There is a big framed painting of Chairman Mao dead center on the back wall. It is the first thing you see when you walk in. Outside, there was a blind man led by a little boy playing one of those one stringed violins. In addition to the blind guy there was a mass of humanity walking around as it is a popular food street. Although it is a “walking” street, motorcycles are constantly cruising down it while laying on the horn and the occasional car wades through the crowds as well.

So here is why China rocks sometimes. I was just eating my Hunan food and reading my censored newspaper in the clearly communist restaurant when a kid maybe about 6 or 7 starts making all kind of racket (which is a lot due to the constant sound of jackhammers and people yelling at each other). Anyway, I think this little kid wanted to go give the blind man some money. But by this time, the blind man was down the road. So the grandma gives the little kid 10 RMB and some instructions. The kid goes out front and jumps on his mini-BMX and just wades into the people and starts weaving through the cars and motorcycles. The mom and grandma looked all peaceful like they were doing a good deed by teaching the kid how to help blindman musicians.

So why is that cool? Well, for one thing, it is weird so that is cool. The really cool part though is that this is taking place in downtown Shanghai. One of the biggest cities in the world. Yet, it is so safe from bad guys that parents will let their little kids go riding around until they find a blind beggar guy. At night. In the middle of hundreds of people. I guess people stress about stolen kids back home. If the communists catch kid stealers, those kid stealers are toast. The Chinese love kids. Anyway, it’s one less thing to worry about.

I never saw the little guy come back. He may have been hit by a car but the odds of that happening are pretty low. I think that because even though the Chinese are pretty crappy drivers, they would rather hit an old lady than a little kid.

So when you come to visit, remember that it’s safe from bad guys thanks to Chairman Mao and the one child policy.

Jogging in Shanghai

Jogging Route

I like to go for a jog sometimes. I belong to a club but it doesn’t open until 7:00 AM which is too late. So I jog outside. This is absolutely ridiculous. What am I thinking?

First of all, these days I am sweating before I even get out of the elevator. It is actually kind of like a free workout because you don’t even have to try to break a sweat. Then I hit the road which at 6:00 AM is already getting crowded. I have to dodge taxis, motorcycles, old guys walking backwards, old ladies doing tai chi, and the occasional dog that tries to chase me. The jogging route takes me past homeless dudes, homeless dudes’ bathrooms (stairwells), street vendors, recyclers and a dirty river. It is actually kind of like an ultra-sweaty cross training workout that requires all of your attention.

The topper is the pollution. Again, what am I thinking? Dripping sweat at 6:00 AM, sucking on coal and asbestos and jumping over dogs and street vendors like some kind of big, white clown.

Good times.

Lightning and Noodles

It is the wet season in Shanghai. Last week it was over 100 degrees most days. Luckily, it started to rain which cooled things down to the low 90’s. It is now finally cooling off to around 80 at night. I think it is like being in Houston Texas except there is a stifling layer of coal-based pollution and 24 million Chinese people yelling at each other.

Chinese ways to beat the heat include, fans (exotic?—maybe, effective?—absolutely), rolling your shirt up over your belly (it works), ice cream (I like the corn flavor; the bean flavor is an acquired taste), holding your brief case, purse or newspaper over your head in order to block the sun (again, it works), fanning yourself with your hand (doesn’t work and looks freaking silly), lounging in a chair on the sidewalk at 2:00 AM in a tank top and boxers while fanning yourself with anything (don’t know if it works but it happens a lot).

Anyway, today I jumped on my bike to go check out a new restaurant and see what band is playing at the Jazz and Blues club down the street. Halfway there, lightning rolled in followed by the gully washer to end all gully washers. I had to pull over into a doorway next to a torn up street. Eventually, I was sharing the doorway with 4 other people. They were all yelling at each other and calling people on their cell phones to yell at them about how they were stuck in a massive storm. Branches were breaking off the trees and I’m sure lightning was touching down in the neighborhood. We hung out in the doorway for about a half hour. There was a cafe about 30 feet away but it was raining so hard, I couldn’t bring myself to even cross the street.

The rain left the streets flooded. Cars and taxis were stalled. I rode around in a light rain while avoiding huge puddles until I found the restaurant. Keep in mind, I am wearing shorts and a T-shirt as it is still at least 85 degrees. I wasn’t hungry even though I stood around in the doorway for a long time. I went to a DVD store instead. The roof was leaking but luckily they had buckets. I bought the latest releases for 2 bucks each. Eventually I ended up at a small restaurant near my place.

A cool thing about being a white guy in China is that they usually think you are pretty freaking hilarious when you go to a Chinese place. I’m pretty sure these guys thought I was funny like a clown. Anyway, the food is brilliant. Once you get over the cockroaches and grease stains on the wall anyway. I was sitting outside, sweating…a lot. I was pretty sure the concrete wash basin outside was for washing clothes or auto parts; it had an old hose running into it. After some time, I came to realize that it was the dishwashing station for the restaurant. They used soap so it was cool. I’ll be back.

That’s all. Sorry it’s not funny or crazy. It just is. I thought I should write some stuff though. I’ll write some other stuff soon.

Beijing

The Great Wall of China

I had a friend from home visiting last week. We used to call him the Mutant in college. Not for any particular reason other than it just sounded cool. Me and the Mutant decided to take the overnight train to Beijing for some tourism.



On the overnight train you share a cabin that has four beds. Me and the mutant had the bottom bunks so the Chinese guys above had to use our beds for a ladder. On the overnight train, you can only smoke at the end of the car and you cannot use the toilet if the train is stopped. Overall, the overnight train was a great way to get to Beijing. Our cabin mates went to bed early so we played cards and drank warm communist beer in the bar car.



We went to the Forbidden City. It is huge. There are a lot of Chinese people following bull horns and flags. Mutant got a coffee at the Forbidden City branch of Starbucks. Figure that one out. One of the greatest symbols of capitalism and a representative of the leader of the free world situated dead center in the capital of Red China and in the middle of one of its greatest historical treasures. If you figure that one out, let me know. It gives me a headache to think too hard about it.



We checked out Tiananmen Square. I guess you can see Mao's dead body over there but we missed the viewing hours. I couldn't figure out where they shot up all those protesters either. I had an ice cream.



The next day we hired a guy named Ting to take us to the Great Wall. Ting's brother Alex met us at the hotel. He put us in a van with 4 other people and introduced us to our driver who spoke no English. Alex told us that Ting told him that he told the driver to take us to a remote section of the Great Wall. I figured the van was probably safe and these guys were on the level. The drive was about 2 hours. After about 1 hour, the tour busses heading to the Great Wall all started taking left turns. We continued into the mountains and through farmland. Eventually, our guy made a left down a dirt road. We pounded down that road for another 20 minutes before the dude stopped to talk to a farmer sitting on a bucket. Actually the farmer was the gatekeeper to the section of the Great Wall we were to see. For 10 RMB, he opened the gate which was a log blocking the road.

The Gatekeeper of The Great Wall

The driver parked the van under some trees and led us up a trail. There was a sign that said this section of the wall was closed for repairs. It must have been a translation error as our driver/guide was not concerned. Besides, after we got up on the wall, it was clearly not being repaired. It was overgrown with trees and crumbling. It was entirely impressive. There is nothing ridiculous about the Great Wall of China. There were no tour groups and only a few Chinese people doing an odd Chinese thing where they yell as loud as they can in open places. I'd say the Great Wall tour was one of the coolest things I have done in China.



That night the Mutant took me to task on multiple games of cribbage in the bar car. In addition to the ass-kicking I was taking in cards, the beer was too warm. The Great Wall was awesome though.

Golf

I went golfing last week. The VP of sales needed to “practice” for some boondoggle in the states. I didn’t mind helping out with the practice session. We went to Binhai in the north of Shanghai. VP has a driver, Mr. Shu. It took at least one hour to get there because after we ran out of freeway, we were on a two lane road that became a one lane road every 200 meters. As such, Mr. Shu was doing a lot of decision making at high speed in order to avoid busses, dogs, workers, ladies on bikes, dudes on scooters, old men and rich Shanghainese trying to figure out where second gear is in their new Mercedes.

When we entered the golf complex, it did not feel like China. We rolled past the helipad and up to the bag drop. Once we exited the car, it started to feel like China again as our handler/sales lady greeted us. We promptly had 5 people searching the van for our bags and other golf gear. Mr. Shu had to tell them to get out of there as we had nothing and needed to rent everything. The clubhouse closely resembled the lobby of a 5-star hotel including the 10 workers who were all eager to get us checked in. The VP speaks Chinese so he told them what we wanted. Even though the instructions were quite clear that we wanted two rounds and some clubs, the utter panic/confusion/unexplained need to look really busy caused all of the staff to run around bumping into each other and do a lot of yelling behind the counter. Meanwhile, our hostess/handler/sales lady was working me hard to become a member. Her name was Sylvia and she gave me full cost/benefit breakdown of joining. We had to stop by the pro shop for, well for everything. There were 5 people helping us. I think the VP told Sylvia I might join as she was still explaining how great my life would be if I would join while I picked out some balls and tees.

Eventually Sylvia led us out to the starter’s house. It was manned by 6 people. We met our caddies. Number 293 and number 509. They were a couple of girls from Hunan province that looked like they were about 15 both wearing bright green vests and bright yellow knickers. I think the bright colors were so we didn’t lose them. They paired us with another Chinese guy who had a swing coach/girlfriend as well as his brightly clad caddie. Sylvia wished us a good round and said she would find us when we were done. I was sure of that.

The course was an immaculate links style that loved to incorporate a bunker about 180 yards dead center from the tee box. Number 509 had no doubts to my ability as she told me to use the driver on every hole except the par threes. Actually, I’m not sure what she said but I think she was telling me to swing away. Things actually went quite well for a few holes. Number 509 was good with yardage and okay with club selection. She was best at cheering for me.

In short order, both the VP and I started to unravel. When your ball goes astray, your caddies will yell “Can Cho!” all in unison. We started to get pretty tired of hearing #509, #293, the other caddie and the swing coach/girlfriend yell “Can Cho!”. So we switched from golfing to drinking beer while hitting balls around. I kept trying to get #509 to have a cold beer. Of course it was a joke and I’m sure she has never had anything stronger than watermelon juice. 509 showed more caddying ability in her excellent beer holding skills. She was also good at finding the balls that I kept whacking into the Chinese bushes. After a while, the VP came over and told me we were down to the two balls we were playing. That prompted a new task for 509 and 293. They now had to find extra balls in the bushes for us.

Eventually we made it through the end of the round. We laughed our heads off when we found that 509 and 293 had marked us for at least 20 strokes less than we took. We tipped them well, said good night and went over to pay in the clubhouse. The way they do it in China is to charge you after the round. You have an account that you settle at the end. There we found Sylvia waiting to see if we wanted to join the club. We both said no, partly due to the fact that it was way too hard for us and also because it was inconveniently located down a torn up road about 2 hours from downtown.

We grabbed a couple of travel beers for the long trip (China doesn’t care what you do in your car as long as you don’t run anybody over). We also took Sylvia with us. I don’t know why or how, but somehow, she was riding shotgun on the way home. It’s just how it happens in China sometimes. Mr. Shu had to work extra hard to dodge old people on the way back as it was dark out. It was actually a better ride for me because I could not see what was going on out there. Plus we were a little distracted with Sylvia’s continued efforts to get us to join.

Eventually, we got Sylvia back to her home which was down an alley down an alley. She gave us one last chance to join, then said a cheerful good night as she jumped into the alley.

All in all, Chinese golf is a lot like American golf. It just involved a lot of people, yelling, selling and ridiculous action. Just like the rest of China. I like it.

Ransom

My boss’s boss had her passport, work permit, computer, cell phone camera etc. stolen last week from a Chinese Starbucks.

Today, some dudes arrived at her apartment with passport and work permit in hand and told her husband that it would cost 500 RMB to get them back. Actually, the husband doesn’t speak Chinese so he put them on the line with the office manager here. The office manager (ex- Chinese military) figured out what they wanted, said it was total crap and told the husband that he needed to talk them down to 100 or 200.

It was funny to me that instead of recommending to the husband that he A) whack these tiny Chinese guys over the head and take the documents or B) lock them out and call the cops, the manager recommended C) that the husband talk them down to 12 US dollars instead of 60.

Instead, the criminals handed over the documents to the husband for free and told the office manager they were on the way to the office to collect the ransom.

Sure enough, a dude that went about a buck ten with spiky hair and a cheap suit showed up about an hour later. He waited patiently in the lobby until the executive assistant came out with the 500 RMB. She told him that he could only have the money if he promised not bribe his way into my boss’s boss’s apartments anymore. I swung by the lobby to take a look at how a Chinese criminal gets paid off. It was quite surreal to see the young, smartly dressed executive assistant calmly sitting with spiky hair, punk guy and explaining to him the terms of his payoff. Apparently a deal was struck and buck ten spiky hair criminal took off with his 60 bucks.

One thing I can’t figure out is why the bone-head criminals would give up the goods before getting the ransom. I also can’t figure out why the company told them to come on down to the office to collect the ransom even though the criminals didn’t have the goods.

Finally, I cannot figure out where the hell I am.

Xitang

I went to town called Xitang on the weekend. It is about a one hour bus ride from Shanghai.

I went with one guy from Beijing and another guy from Tokyo. It was good to have the Beijing guy due to his ability to speak Chinese.

I have thought that sometimes having a native speaker present does not make things easier. In fact, it seems that everything spirals into chaos as people all start yelling at each other. In this case, we entered the bus ticket center and in true Chinese fashion, it was mass of humanity, slightly humid and extremely loud. My Beijing buddy figured out the deal and got in the massive line to buy tickets. After waiting for some insanity in front of us to subside, he approached the counter, yelled at the lady, waited for her to talk to somebody, yelled at her again and then purchased the tickets. Luckily, he can read Chinese because after he took a closer look, he realized we had the wrong tickets. We went to a small room where Beijing and the ticket people yelled at each other for several minutes and then they finally gave us our money back. We then waited in the massive line again and we got the right tickets. If it was just me, I would have said thanks a lot, chilled out until the bus left and I might have realized I was in the wrong town once I got there. Either way, not knowing what is going on certainly has its upside. The other upside is that the locals just want to get rid of you instead of fruitlessly trying to get you to understand. No yelling, no arguments, just a slightly irritated Chinese worker pointing you in the right direction.

Xitang is very nice. It is a canal town with very few tourists (relatively). It is an ancient town with lanes that can’t accommodate cars. As such it is quiet and the insanity is kept to a dull roar. It took me a short time to realize I couldn’t hear any cars or horns at all. It was nice. They have old houses you can tour and lots of restaurant type places right on the canals. The people are pretty mellow too. It was a nice break from the insanity of Shanghai.

On the way home, we got stuck in a traffic jam due to a tour bus just like ours that was involved in a massive wreck which left the mangled bus on its side and blocking the road. I was concerned. So was the bus driver; that we were behind schedule. He used all three lanes and the shoulder and generally drove like an aggressive, pissed off Chinese bus driver who wanted to get home on a Sunday night.

Overall, the trip to Xitang was very nice except for the ticket station insanity and the aggressive bus driver. But so far, I have found that if it is not slightly insane, it is not China.

Old Ladies Hawk Loogies While Biking

I bought a bike a few weeks ago. My Chinese co-workers have no idea what a “bike” is. I have to tell them I bought a “bicycle”. I paid 60 bucks for a Giant brand bike and two locks. The transaction included no English dialogue at all. I picked out a cheap, simple, one-gear bike with the anticipation that it will either break or get stolen. If it breaks, maybe someone can fix it because it is simple, if it gets stolen (and it will), I will get another one.

Anyway, the dude wanted me to test ride it in front of the store. The front of the store is a four lane road with all of the chaos you can imagine. I weaved around on the sidewalk and then jumped into the road when it looked safe and did a few laps. It was a huge relief to remember how to ride a bike.

I bought the bike, told them thanks a lot and took off. I jumped into the road, took two cranks and the bike broke. The chain assembly just exploded. I pushed it back in and the guy was really apologetic (I think). He fixed it quickly and sent me on my way.

Now I am cruising Shanghai dodging busses and taxis on my new bike that may or may not break down at any time. It is actually quite similar to my Subaru situation back home.

The bike has been a great way to tour the town. The traffic moves quite slowly so I have plenty of time to rubber-neck while I ride. Some people think it is crazy to ride a bike in downtown Shanghai. I think maybe it is, but then I see the 80 year ladies rolling along hawking loogies and yelling at the guy in front of them and I realize it is not that big of a deal.

The picture is near the Bund and People’s Square. It is a popular part of town so it is busy.

Notes to Myself

After two months of living in Shanghai I have made it a point to remember the following:

If I am in a cab and my co-worker pisses off the driver, get out. There are no seatbelts in China. When the cab driver flips his lid and starts going 85, weaving and laying on the horn, seatbelts are needed.

Most people will never say no. For that reason, everything is great until it’s not.

The dust in my apartment will never go away. That is because the fog outside is actually air pollution. At first I thought an ionic breeze would help, but now I think it would get overloaded and break.

Red lights are a suggestion.

Just like at home, a free right is permitted on a red light. Unlike at home the driver doesn’t have to stop, or look.

Just because the bus driver is laying on the horn as he comes barreling through an intersection doesn’t mean that he sees you. It means he may or may not see you, but either way, he is not stopping.

When riding a bike, don’t close the eyes to try to get out the metal shavings from the construction site out. Better to have burning eyes than not see the car going the wrong way in the bike lane.

Eat everything. It’s usually good. Ask your Chinese friends not to tell you what it is though.

If you need food but there is no English or pictures, point at stuff. People sitting at the next table do not care. Walk the whole restaurant to see what looks best.

When exiting an insanely crowded subway car, hold your bag with computer in it like a football. Otherwise, while you still have the strap on your shoulder and have left the train, your computer is still on the train wedged into the mass of humanity. If you hear the beeper indicating that the door is closing, pull very hard.

When your co-worker gives you some kind of smelly fish wrapped in plastic for breakfast, eat some, wait till she’s not looking and then chuck it in the trash in the next cubicle. When she gives you another one, say you are full and hide it.

If you say anything in Chinese, expect a barrage of Chinese questions, instructions and yelling. Resort to speaking in English and doing charades. Do not waste too much time doing charades as you look like an idiot.

When the Chinese person is yelling at you, it’s not because they are mad. Unless they are the cab driver your co-worker pissed off.

When construction workers wearing 3-piece suits and leather jackets break the last support that causes a roof to cave in on itself, they think it is just as cool as you do (the caving in part).

I think these tips will help anyone who comes to China. If I can think of some more useful tips I will put them on this internet blog.

That’s all for now.

Abe Lincoln

I was required to get a Chinese name for my official documents. I needed to pick one right away after I arrived in Shanghai. My co-worker Sabrina decided to help me by carefully researching the best name for marriage and wealth. She came up with the name Si Ma Tang. She told me that it was a very good name. Actually everyone said it was a good, classic Chinese name so I gave it to the cops to put on my official documents.

I have to get some business cards with a Chinese name on them. It's easier for the locals just like it's easier for Americans to call someone "Helen" instead of "Xiaominxiang". As such, a good name is important.

I realized something was up about a week later when I was doing a presentation and I told them my Chinese name and the whole group broke out laughing. I asked Sabrina and she said not to worry.

I then told another Chinese guy who lives in America and he told me it was a little odd for an American to be named Si Ma Tang but not to worry because it is a good classic name. Later, I went to a big banquet with 30 people or so and my Chinese buddy had a few beers and started making toasts to me so he could yell out "Si Ma Tang!" as loud as he could. Now I really knew I had a goofy name but I could not figure out just how goofy.

I kept asking people what the deal is with Si Ma Tang but it is like pulling teeth to get a straight answer (at least that I can understand). Either they don't want to hurt my feelings or it is a national conspiracy to keep me in the dark so they can keep laughing at me. Everyone tells me not to worry, it's a good name but then they break out laughing.

I need to get some business cards but I can't have a ridiculous name on there. I told Sabrina that I don't think Si Ma Tang is going to work because people seem to think it is pretty funny. She seemed a little disappointed because it was such a good name for marriage and wealth. She also insisted that it was a good, classic name.

Finally, I went to dinner with some Chinese people and a couple of Americans who have lived in China for several years. I told them my name and they both smirked and then started laughing. It turns out that Si Ma Tang is a very famous family name of emperors or something like that.

I get it now. It would be like if a Chinese guy moved to America and decided to name himself Abraham Lincoln. Both the Americans told me that is about the size of it.

I am the Abraham Lincoln of China.

Duck Blood Soup and KTV

I went to dinner in a fancy restaurant with about 25 co-workers. Dinner was full-on Chinese. I was just calling things “round meat”, “meat with Jell-O/fat” and “meat with bones in it”. I really had no idea what anything was except the fish since you typically get the whole thing on a plate (I’m not sure if you can eat the fins). Also, meals are almost always shared. So, the table I was at had about 10 people spinning the lazy susan to get some round meat, meat with bones, or meat with Jell-O/fat.

Don’t let my description fool you. The food was really good. It was a meat festival. One of my favorites was the spicy soup with meat and vegetables. It had what looked like liver but I did not care since it was spicy. As I was chowing down on the spicy soup, someone from America asked one of our Chinese co-workers what this delicious soup was. She said it was Duck Blood soup. I guess the liver things were actually congealed duck blood. That would also explain the dark red color of the broth.

Of course, the westerners at the table flipped out. The best part is when the Chinese guys can’t figure out what the big deal is. I have to admit I do not know what the health consequences of throwing down a bunch of duck blood are so I slowed down my consumption.

After Duck Blood soup, everybody wanted to walk across the way to do some karaoke (they call it KTV in China). I have never had any desire to do karaoke; ever.

I ended up doing 2 solo numbers and a lot of backup vocals. I was not even close to drunk; I was just hanging out with Chinese and Japanese people. In America, we think of karaoke as maybe a drunken cry for attention. In Asia, these guys do not need alcohol or a low self-esteem, they just need a microphone. They love it. We entered the place and got a sweet private room. It had a huge flat screen to play the videos and computers to choose your song. Mood lighting was at our fingertips along with leather couches and a call button for snacks and beer and water.

I am not saying that I will ever ask anyone to go find a karaoke joint when I get home, but I will say that as a pastime in Asia, it is not too bad if you hang with the right people.

I am pretty easy going. I like to try new things. I never thought I would ever throw down Duck Blood soup and top it off with a karaoke session (and enjoy both). This excursion to Shanghai is definitely challenging my comfort zone.

Hangzhou

I decided to go to Hangzhou for a few days vacation for the Chinese New Year. It is a lake town about 2 hours by train from Shanghai. My Chinese co-worker set it up for me. She was going up there to pray at a famous Buddhist temple and when she heard I wanted to go, she offered to be my guide.

Hangzhou is a lake town that is really nice because it has lots of hills, trees and gardens with canals and lakes throughout. Since it is really nice and all of China is on vacation, it was jam packed with tourists. The good part is that if you walk an extra 5 minutes away from the noisy and colorful attractions or better yet, go somewhere that is not accessible by escalator, you can escape the crowds. Sabrina told me that the crowds were actually quite light because of the cool weather.

West Lake

We hit the Lingyin temple so Sabrina could pray to the Buddha. Much like Frank trying to find the cop station when I first arrived, Sabrina approaches everyone and anyone to get directions. A shouting match usually ensues, maps come out and in the end she is pretty good buddies with the person who she was just yelling at.

We taxied, bussed and walked to the temple. It is a huge complex with grounds, caves, its own mountain and hundreds or maybe thousands of Buddhas. Sabrina had a book with handwritten directions as to the best way to pray. She needed to make sure to hit the right Buddhas (she prayed to no less than 25 Buddhas). They all have different powers and you have to make sure you have the right number of incense sticks for each one.

You think praying might be peaceful. Not in China. There were thousands of people throwing elbows to get a place to pray. They were also firing up huge bunches of incense. I am amazed no one caught on fire with the open flame everywhere and all those people jammed in there. I had to jump out of the way of flames several times from some of the faithful waving their incense around with their eyes closed.

Insane Prayer Festival


After the insane prayer ceremony, we climbed the mountain to see the Buddha in charge of wealth. It was a tough climb. Luckily at the top and in front of the temple was an old leather couch where the pilgrims could take a load off.

After the Lingyin Temple, we took the wrong bus despite Sabrina asking at least 5 people how to get the bus. So we pushed our way off and got another bus that took us to the 6 Harmonies Pagoda which was pretty cool but I was a little worried that it would fall down (again).

After the Pagoda, Sabrina wanted to check out the Song Dynasty town a little ways down the road (See the Song dynasty town entry).

The next day, we rented bikes for 75 cents an hour. Mine was a little tweaked and started to shimmy pretty bad when I got the speed up. It turns out that the old saying about riding a bike is true which is good because I had not ridden a bike in about 4 years and in Hangzhou you have to share the bike lanes with people, cars and busses. It turns out that it was a great way to get around and see lots of pools and canals and it gets the adrenaline up trying to avoid everything. I followed Sabrina who would plow right into a crowd of people working the bell the whole time (unless she stopped to ask directions). At first I thought there was no way we could ride but it seems that people and cars tend to make a path for bikes. Busses do not.

We also took a ferry that was (big shocker) jam packed with people. I tried to locate the life jacket station in case of swamping but it was definitely not marked if it existed. We checked out some islands that had neat architecture and big pools of carp.

These kids spoke perfect English but didn't where the lifejackets were.

The food on my Chinese vacation consisted mostly of spicy hot pot. I let Sabrina order everything. I think she got upset since I had no opinion but I have no basis for an opinion so I just eat everything until I can form one. If I kept track I think I would be pretty close to eating every part of a cow. The good news is that almost anything tastes good when you boil it in spicy soup. I also drank the local brew which proudly proclaims on the bottle, “Made with No Formaldehyde”.

We took the late train back to Shanghai. I was not surprised when they let several hundred people off the train only to find out that the subway was closed, the busses were not running because the drivers are on vacation and there was literally one taxi out front. Sabrina talked to 4 or 5 people and led me out to the street where she outran a bunch of guys to grab a taxi. We jumped in where she had a blow out argument with the driver which almost resulted in us having to get out but I think she convinced the driver to at least take me home before he booted her out. I did not ask as she jumped out once we were in the vicinity of my place.

One of my favorite parts of the trip was all of the smiles I got from people. I was definitely more of an oddity than in Shanghai. Lots of kids wanted to practice English with me since they are learning it in school. The old people loved it when I would smile and say “Ni Hao” to them.

Overall, my Hangzhou trip was really fun. It was great to have a local who could show me the sights. It was exhausting but we saw great scenery, some really interesting history and mixed it up with a heavy dose of insanity. I’m not sure if that is what Chinese people call relaxation but I am happy to be back in Shanghai and close to sauna in my apartments. Tonight I will be eating pizza I think.

Song Dynasty Town

During my Hangzhou trip, my Chinese co-worker wanted to check out the Song Dynasty town. I was tired but thought it would be nice to see some historical stuff. It turns out that it was actually a re-creation and was sort of like a mini-Disneyland.

In true Chinese fashion, they had some Chinese pop music absolutely blasting in the main area. There were tour groups everywhere being led around with bull horns and flags. Sabrina took the opportunity to pray to a couple of Buddhas and get her palm read by a monk. I took the opportunity to shoot a bow and arrow. As I was shooting, the helper lady entered the range to grab some arrows. She must have thought I was a good enough shot not to hit her or else maybe she thought the rusty semi-sharp tip of the arrow would not hurt her.

They had a big lake with all kinds of rope swings and balance beams in the middle. There were about 100 people all standing around and every once in a while someone would take to the rope swing and fail to make it across. It was really cold and dark out to be swimming around fully clothed in a Chinese Disneyland.

We watched a ridiculous water show that showed a movie using a huge spray of water for a screen. The sound system was super loud and kept crackling and shutting off. The movie involved an old guy, a warrior and two ladies that kept asking the warrior to watch them take a bath. After a while the old guy and one of the ladies had a kung fu fight and then the warrior turned into a frog.

We squeezed our way into a crowd to watch a kind of funny play that involved an old fashioned wedding. At the end, they threw candy to the crowd which caused a frenzy that was borderline panic mode.

Overall, the Song Dynasty town was really fun but the visual, audio and mental stimuli makes for an exhausting historical excursion.

Chinese New Year

As if things in China weren’t already ridiculous, they decided it was a great idea to make cheap fireworks available to the entire populous for the Lunar New Year.

I understand that at midnight you have to blow off fireworks to scare off the dragons. There is a myth that one time a dragon was going to attack a village but was scared by noise and fire. As far as I can tell, most things in China are set up to keep the dragons away.

The Chinese New Year is like our Christmas I think. You get a week off and most people travel to their hometowns to be with their family. New Year’s Eve is like the big Christmas dinner and everyone gets presents. After that, they go outside and blow off professional grade fireworks in the street.

My apartment building is in a pretty Chinese part of town but it is expensive for the locals. As such, the Chinese people in my apartments have enough money to buy some serious firepower. At about 11:00 there were about 6 people with huge piles of fireworks inside the courtyard. They have enormous rolls of firecrackers that never stop and meanwhile they send up mortars that blow up right outside my windows. I stepped outside and got hit with fragments of paper or something. My apartment smelled like gunpowder (which made me wonder if the thing that looks like a smoke detector is what I think it is). Sometimes the stuff was still smoldering when it hit the balcony.

The best is when the fireworks go up, do not explode and then come back down. After they blow up on the ground, everyone ducks, laughs and the 5 year olds keep running around with sparklers.

After a while, I met some people down by the river where we had a great view on a balcony. At midnight, the town went absolutely ballistic. It was non-stop for at least an hour. We kept getting hit with debris from some guys who had a freaking arsenal in the alley below the balcony.

I’m sure that if I could read the local paper, it would tell me that several people were maimed or killed in their efforts to scare off the dragons.

Either way, Chinese New Year is definitely one of the coolest holidays I have witnessed.

What Street.

I thought I could tell the taxi driver how to take me home. I know how to say the cross streets and then once they get there I can say, straight, left, right and stop.

I was having lots of success until about a week ago. I started having to get out of cabs because the guy could not understand what I was saying. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Ni Hao, Beijing Lu kau jin Shimen Lu”. (Hello, Beijing Rd. nearby Shimen Rd.)

Driver: “Shimen Lu?” (Shimen Rd.?)

Me: “Dui, Shimen Lu.” (Yes, Shimen Rd.)

Driver: “Shimen Lu, bla bla bladdy bla bla?” (Shimen Rd. and a bunch of stuff I don’t understand).

Me: “Dui! Shimen Lu.” (Yes, please understand what I am saying because I am clearly saying it wrong.)

Driver: “Shimen Lu???” (I need to make money giving people rides, not have a tea party with some foreigner in the back seat of my car).

Me: “Dui!!!, Shimen Lu” (This is clearly not going my way).

Driver: “Bla, bla bladdy blab la!!!!” (Those horns are cars that want me to move and those people standing outside the window know where they want to go and will pay me to go there!!!!).

Me: “Mei wen ti, xijian.” (Okay, no problem, good bye).

Driver: “Bla, bla bladdy blab la.” (Thank God you are leaving).

So after this happened too many times, I asked my language teacher what the problem was. I told him “Shimen Lu” is where I live. He looked really confused. He told me that I just asked him “What street?”…..Oh crap.

I have been sitting in the back of cabs going, “hey buddy, take me to Beijing Road and What Street.”

“What Street?”

“That’s right, What Street.”

“What street?!?!?”

“Yeah dude, What Street!!!”

Oh man. Finally, a co-worker found out that I live at Shimen No. 2 Road. So now I have started telling the driver, “Shimen Er Lu”. I know I am probably saying “What Street No. 2” but the guy gets it now.

I need to get better at the language soon!

Chickens and the Super Bowl

Chinese Street Sign

On Sunday I went for a walk through Old Town. I walked through little lanes where people are selling everything from plastic toys to stereo equipment to fake Viagra. I know how to order these steamed buns that have meat in them so I can stay fueled up while I walk. Sometimes my ordering skills deteriorate to pointing but the meat muffins are so good I have to persist until I get them. It is best to not think about what the meat is or where it came from.

I found a street that must have been the meat market because there were chickens, geese, fish heads and eels all hanging from the power lines. There was also a lot of laundry hanging from the power lines and the trees.

I found my way to the Yu Gardens where I was still a little hungry. Everyone was happily chowing down on little birds on a stick. Head, claws and everything. I decided I better try one. For about 75 cents, a guy dipped the bird in a vat of grease, then threw it on a grill and sprinkled some pepper on it. Since it was fried, it was actually quite tasty. The weird part is trying to get a good piece of meat and having the little bird staring at you. I’m pretty sure they are pigeons.

As I was walking back to the subway, some guys suddenly pulled a chicken out of a box and started slaughtering it right there on the sidewalk. Luckily I had a bag of muffins so I stood there and watched them drain chicken blood into the gutter while I had a snack. One chicken wouldn’t die so to the delight of the kids standing next to me, the guy grabbed it by the neck and started whacking it on the pavement. Wow.

The next day I went to a local pub with some co-workers to watch the super bowl. Kickoff was at 7:30 AM. When I arrived, some friendly Germans asked me what I would like to drink. I said coffee but got beer. The pub did not have the full commercial feed so at halftime, they hired an extremely attractive Chinese girl to dance on the bar.

I thought it was a bit surreal when I went from eating pigeons to drinking beer and seeing girls dance on the bar at 9:30 in the morning. My co-workers assured me that this is normal in Shanghai. Where am I?

Kung Fu Tea Party

I went for a walk in People's Square last weekend. I have a Lonely Planet guide book which has suggested walking tours. It's great.

People's square is sort of like ground zero in downtown Shanghai. It is one subway stop east of my apartment. It's right next to the main shopping area, the art museum and the performing arts center.

The park is pretty entertaining. They have rides for kids including bumper cars and one those swing rides. They also have a little pool filled with goldfish. You can get a tiny fishing pole and go fishing for goldfish. I thought it was for kids but there were lots of grown ups all crowded around this little wading pool trying hook a fish. Who knows what happens to those fish after they get caught.

I went to the art museum. It was extremely high quality. My favorites were the Buddhas, the jade and the furniture. It deserves about 3 or 4 hours and is definitely worth it. You get one of the things that you can listen to as well. They did not tell me they wanted a deposit when I paid. In true Chinese fashion, I talked the girl down on the deposit. She wanted about 50 US dollars which I did not have so she took everything I had in my wallet which was about 30. She was pissed.

After the museum, I was pretty spent but I was determined to grind out the rest of my walking tour. I was standing there with my tour book when a group of people came up to me and starting chatting me up. I too tired to run or make up an excuse so I talked to them. After a while I found out they were visiting students and they were on their way to a tea ceremony and they asked me to join them. I thanked them and said no.

I found a bench and continued reading my tour book to make sure I did not miss anything. Just then two girls walked by and said hello. They too were students just visiting and were on their way to the tea ceremony. They said it was a “Kung Fu Tea Ceremony” and it only happens once a year. For some reason I thought we would sit around and chug tea while some guys went at each other with axes and knives. Since I was heading that way anyway, I walked with them.

After some twists and turns, they entered a mall. At the bottom of some stairs was a sign that said “Kung Fu Tea Ceremony”. It was clearly a scam. I wanted to give them pointers on how they could sell it better. The girls were excellent liars though. They had me going for at least 15 minutes that they liked me and wanted to have tea with me. My revenge was chewing up a half hour of their time because they thought they had a fish on.

I looked it up when I got home. The tea ceremony scam is when some cute girls get a foreigner to go to tea. Then some snacks show up. The guy gets stuck with a bill that could be as high as several hundred dollars. The tea house has some burly guys that help you find your wallet. The girls get a kick back.

So, if you are a white guy reading a tour book in People’s Square in Shanghai, remember that in a town of 17 million people, the odds of some strangers asking you to have tea with them and not wanting something from you are low.

Look Up

Shanghai is under construction. I read that 10 percent of the world's construction cranes are in Shanghai. Workers from the country come in and get paid ridiculously low wages to work day and night in less than safe working conditions. By less than safe, I mean the guy who is balancing on bamboo scaffolding 10 stories up with no hard hat probably doesn't have the right gear to remove that asbestos. It's cool at night though when you see the blue glow of blow torches in the high rises.

I went for a walk behind my apartments last weekend. It's nice because there are old neighborhoods where people are drying their meat next to their socks. I went down a street where they were butchering fish on the sidewalk. They put live fish and crabs and turtles in little bins of water and when you want one, they chop it up right there.

Behind my Apartment

There is so much action my neck started to hurt from looking at everything. I had about 10 little kids following me and yelling "hello, hello" for quite a while. At one point, I heard a crash, a huge thud and the sound of broken glass hitting the sidewalk. An air conditioner had fallen out of a window and landed right next to a lady working her sewing machine on the sidewalk. She was covered in glass. She stood up and started yelling up at the window but there was no one to be seen. I was stunned. It did not phase the little kid who was peeing in the street next to me.

So now, I cross the street if the building I am walking next to is under construction.

First Thoughts

Dear Friends-

I think the communists are okay with this blog website. I tested it and it seems to work. I hope that people will enjoy what I have to write and find it a good way to keep in touch. I wrote this a week and half after arriving in Shanghai so I am putting it on this blog website a little late.

I’m not sure what happened, but here I am. It is all a bit surreal. For those that don’t know, my company has an office in Shanghai and asked if I would help them set up operations here. It seemed like perfect timing considering I was being kicked out of my Portland apartment and my car was starting only occasionally.

Shanghai was sunny and a little cold when I got here. Now it is turning rainy and a lot cold. It’s weird that this place is the same latitude as Florida but it is so cold. I think I need to get a big wool overcoat and one of those hats with big flaps on the sides. That is what most of the security guards wear. The usual security guard goes about a buck twenty and doesn’t do much besides lift a gate and yell at people. I’m sure they do more and I hope to find out what that is.

Since the plan is for me to be in Shanghai for one year, I need to get a work permit and residency visa. So the first thing I had to do was go for a medical check up. My company hired someone to take me to the doctor. It was a clinic that was jam packed with foreigners and locals. The foreigners are trying to get into China and the locals are trying to get out. Both require medical exams. I had to check in, go to a waiting room, check in again, check in again and then I finally went to the doctors. There were probably about 40 people going through the triple check-in process. After a while you make it into the exam place where they make you strip down and throw on a robe. There are nurses who then direct you to a series of rooms.

The first doctor took my blood with a needle that was probably clean. Then she made me sit on a stool in the corner for 3 minutes. After the 3 minutes she sent me to another room where a lady checked my eyes, ears, nose and throat. She was pumped when I could see the last E. I had an ultrasound, an x-ray, and an EKG. In the EKG room, there were two ladies who put some kind of rusty clamps on my ankle and wrists. Then they wanted to put those things on my chest to check my heart beat I think. They had some kind of malfunction though, so the older lady grabbed a pair of pliers and started doing field repairs while using my stomach as a workbench. She got it working and ended up with some sort of readout that they had to look at for a while before yelling at me in Chinese and giving me my chart back. The medical check-up was actually a pretty smooth process. I just hope I don’t have AIDS or abnormal liver function. They send you home for both of those.

After the check up, Vivian (my handler), took me to my apartment to get the keys. There I met Frank, Vivian’s employee who would be my new handler for the remainder of the day. Frank was there with the landlords. They are both about 5 feet tall, 70 years old and they are both eye doctors. They both had on huge wool overcoats, scarves and gloves. Apartments in China are rarely owned by a single operator. They are individually owned and the owners agree to let a management company run the whole tower. As such, each unit could have completely different prices and amenities. My apartment is fully furnished and should suffice for my stay in Shanghai. The first thing that Dr. Lu wanted to make sure I understood was the operation of the TV. He made me sit on the couch and showed me the various remotes. I can see why he was so pumped as the system includes a 42 inch plasma with surround sound and satellite. My place is on the 15th floor with a view of the garden and pond. There is a doorman who is pretty cool. He always smiles when I say hello in Chinese. I’m not sure if he thinks it’s cool or funny. Probably both. The apartments are called “La Doll”. I don’t know who thought of that name but they are pretty nice

After meeting Dr. and Dr. Lu, Frank and I went to IKEA. There I purchased a mattress pad and some towels. Apparently, the Chinese version of a bed is the same as our version of a box spring. There is no way I am sleeping on a box spring for a year. I asked Frank about this and he said sometimes he will get tired of the box spring and decide to sleep on the floor.

We then went to the police station nearby the apartment. As part of the residency process, you need to register with the neighborhood cops. It took about a half hour to find the cop station. Frank asked the guard at the apartments where it was, he called the cops, he asked the crossing guard, he asked a window cleaner and he asked a clerk coming out of the store who promptly gave him a Chinese ass-chewing. After we walked in a complete circle, he asked two more security guards who yelled at each other for a while before sending us down an alley that was under repair. By this time it was dark, cold and we were in an alley in a country where I have no idea what is going on. We walked around parts of torn up road, people selling nuts, yams and corn, people selling blankets and then, right next to a guy who was tearing up some furniture on the sidewalk, there was the police station. If I ever have a problem, I will never find the cop station again. It is in an alley in an alley. Frank did a bunch of paperwork with the cops who kept yelling at Frank and at each other. After a while, they let us go. Now they know where I am. I will make sure I don’t screw up.

So, my first day consisted of poking, prodding, fish head soup and big brother keeping his communist thumb on me. Not bad really.

My chopstick skills need improvement. In the first two days I was here I ruined a pair of pants and a jacket. I keep losing the slippery stuff. It is usually slippery because of the oil and when the oil lands on your clothes it is hard to get out. I will either figure it out or I will be buying lots of clothes over the next year. I have started wearing my ruined jacket to lunch so I don’t ruin my work clothes. I would like to purchase some things I can cook at home but I can’t read the packaging on anything in the store. So far, all I have purchased is milk, cereal, beer, peanuts and lots of bottled water. The good thing is that there are all kinds of restaurants near my apartment. I found a fish head soup place, a Sichuan place and a burger joint. Tonight, I ate a full bowl of Korean pork, a bunch of vegetables and a big beer for 4 bucks. I think it might be cheaper to let other people cook than buy it at the store.

The other night there were three little tiny girls at the restaurant all trying to ask me something in different ways. It all centered around my request for a Tsing Tao beer which I can order by name. They finally brought out the bottle and made me feel it. It turns out that they wanted to know if I wanted warm beer or cold beer. Even if I could speak the language I’m sure there would still be a lot of confusion on that one (who wants warm beer?). I guess some people like their beer warm when it is cold out; whatever. But me and the three little tiny girls laughed our heads off after about 10 minutes of speaking to each other with no idea what the other person was saying. That was pretty cool. I need to start classes ASAP to make my life easier.

I have learned how to tell the cab driver where I live and which way turn and when to stop. That is a big stress reliever. I keep a map with me when I go somewhere I haven’t been yet but it sucks bad when you are in the cab and you have no idea where you are and you are desperately hoping the guy understood what you said. People do not speak English in my neighborhood. I will start classes next week. It is not cool when someone asks you a question and you have no idea what they are saying. For the most part though I have been able to enter a restaurant, order a full meal and never hear a word of English. Communication is mostly by hand motions. They think it is pretty freaking funny when I mimic what they say though.

Right now I think Shanghai is really cool. Just walking around the block is exciting. I think everyone should put it on their calendar to get over here in the spring or fall. By then I will know some words and restaurants. You will have a free place to stay and a tour guide for Shanghai. I’ve had flights for $800 and $1,000. Things are anywhere from ridiculously expensive to ridiculously cheap here. It just depends on if you want to shop at the Gucci store and eat at the Ritz or eat dumplings from a street vendor, buy 50 cent beers in the store and haggle for fake goods.

That is all I think all I have for now. There is a lot more I could and probably should write but it is like drinking from a fire hose. If I can figure out what blogs the communists are cool with, I will set one up.

I hope that everyone who receives this mail is well and please don’t hesitate to drop me a line.